#002 - It's me that holds me back.

~it’s me that holds me back~

Seconds feel like minutes, hours feel like days.

 Reading over things I’ve said regret seems here to stay.

I don’t know why I panic, but I seem to do it well.

My stomach starts to twist and turn my mind begins to yell.

I wonder why I doubt my self, though doubt is all I’ve had.

But even when I prove doubt incorrect I take it back.

 I’ve doubted my ability to make it where I am.

 Ive made it here and still I doubt I’ll make it where I can.

 This doubt affects my every day connections and my life,

I doubt that I can trust so every day is fight or flight.

I meet a girl and feel like I am less when I’m without her,

but when she’s not around my own self doubt begins to doubt her.

 I then make accusations and they never understand,

 i struggle understanding too as this is never planned.

I tell myself that I’m okay but struggle lots to feel it.

I’ve tried to write a poem hoping words can try reveal it.

 I wonder if I’m broken or if I can ever fix,

 these walls that I have built on all these cracked and faulty bricks.

 I wonder if I love myself if I can love my friends,

and love the people helping me to get to all my ends.

Instead I push them all away, in days I feel I haven’t laughed,

 repeating toxic habits, struggle, my self I sabotage.

I sabotage the good things in my life to feel the comfort,

of validating stories that I tell myself to function.

 I’m sick of living life the way I have just to survive.

 I made it out alive but feel like im stuck in survival.

 I know that what I give I will receive and can attract.

I feel I don’t know how to change I just know how to act.

 I don’t know why I’m writing this I wonder if it helps,

I’ve never wrote a poem but I’m anxious and in hell.

 I’m trying hard to deal with all these thoughts within my head.

 I smoke myself to bits so I can sleep it off instead.

 I wonder if I’m good enough or if I’ll ever be.

There isn’t much that seems to help that isn’t therapy.

But therapy is scarce I only get there once a month.

I always show my better side but geez Ive been a cunt.

 I spend my money silly, til I sit there crying poor,

I’ve paid more rent this year than I have made in years before.

 So moneys not the problem, no. It’s just my coping habits.

These habits stem from what I’ve seen I wear them like a jacket.

 I’ve had to stop the drinking as it messes with my mind.

 It makes me act in ways I don’t respect when I am blind.

 I over share my feelings and I feel like I’m a mess.

I try to find the will to clean it up but I regress.

 I want to be a man and try give up the poor excuses.

 I’m sick of feeling lesser than and acting like I’m useless.

I know that I’m not broken just a little bent and bruised.

I’ll love the best I can and try be calm when I’m confused.

 Get rid of all assumptions and beliefs that are not fact, And be the man I want to be,

 it’s me that holds me back.